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How Have We Never Seen This Before?
How Have We Never Seen This Before?

Season 1, Episode 5 · 1 year ago

Twilight: “Hold on Tight, Spider Monkey.”

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

In Episode 5, Isabel and Lauren discuss the greatest vampire/werewolf, love triangle film ever, 2008's Twilight, directed by Catherine Hardwicke. 

Join us as we talk about that one time Isabel hit a bear, Bella's vegetarian meals, and how this movie is actually sponsored by Volvo. 

If you want more from How Have We Never Seen This Before, feel free to subscribe on Apple Podcast and Spotify, and give us a follow on Instagram at @howhaveweneverpodcast!

Also, shout out to Michael Beaumont @monitorcomics for our podcast art! 

Thanks for listening!

Hi Everyone, and welcome to how have we never seen this before? This is a podcast where two best friends discuss iconic movies that, well, neither of us, I've ever seen before. I'm Isabel and I'm Lauren, and this is how have we never seen this before? Hope you enjoy. So the winner of guests the movie of the week this week is one of my good friends, Levi. He actually gets a shot out later in the episode when we're talking about the prom scene. So congratulations. To leave by you get two shoutouts this week. If you want to be the person to be given the shot at the beginning of one of our episodes, make sure follow us over on Instagram at how we never podcasts and check our stories each week for several clues on what the movie might be and be the first one to guess. All right, before we get into the movie, Lauren, had a couple points you wanted to make, so go ahead. Yes, so, before we even start talking about the specifics in the movie, I just wanted to address the racial bias in this film. This film has a major diversity problem in all aspects, but what I really wanted to mention is the lack of racial diversity specifically. So, first of all, after I watched the movie, I've read an article on bookster that said that Stephanie Meyer Fought Catherine Hardwick, the director on casting, in reference to representation. So hardwick wanted all of the collons to have different skin tones and all look different because they're not related, so they could, but Stephanie Meyer rejected that idea and only allowed one of the antagonist vampires to be played by a black man, which is just awful. And Bella's friends were allowed to be played by people at different skin tones, but the vampires couldn't. So that was my first major problem with the racial diversity in it. Yeah, and especially like you think that the one vampire who is black, you you come to assume that he might be a villain, like only vampires are black, bad vampires. So yeah, HMM. Yeah, and you may be thinking to yourself, Oh, what about the native American aspect of the film? But the story kind of perpetuates native American stereotypes, such as the whole Wolf tribe aspect. It kind of exemplifies the, I'm using air quotes right now, noble savage archetype in the senset people in the tribe are part animal and also they didn't even trace Taylor Loner to any native American tribes until after casting, so he's barely native American. He is mostly European. So yikes. Yeah, and honestly, they're barely in this movie at all, which I thought that was there was a much bigger part, like they had a much bigger role to play in the movie, but I guess not. Hmm, I think in the next two films they do, but they just introduce them in this one. Okay, yeah, I always thought it was like that love triangle started right away, but it really wasn't that important. HMM. Yeah, but yeah, this this episode comes after the protests surrounding George Floyd's murder and we took the two weeks off out of respect, because we didn't think it was appropriate for us to record, and we also decided to instead use the small platform that we have to amplify black podcaster voices. So if you go to our instagram, you can check out some podcast specifically relating to racial injustices and then also movie review podcasters that are black as well. So with that we will, I guess, get into discussing the movie. This week and I wanted to say, like this isn't have anything to do with what we just talked about, but before watching movie, I have seen the second half of the final book movie, So I've seen the very end of these. I've never seen the why? I don't know. Oh my gosh. So I like knew like nothing was like a surprise. I honestly like think I might have seen this before, like vaguely, maybe when I was falling asleep one time, because I remember like the baseball scene for some reason. I also see a bunch of those scenes and tick tocks, so I'm not really sure. I can't distinguish what I actually saw them what I saw on Tick Tock. So there's like a meme that comes from this that I've seen. So I kind of knew some of that. But okay, so right when the movie starts, we have Bella Christian Stewart narrating and you're watching a deer run through the forest and Bella's narration at the beginning made me think she's gonna die. Yeah, it's like it's better to be killed defending someone you love or...

...something and dying for someone. It was very it was very strange and I didn't really get the point of it because no one really dies like except like random attacks. I can see where this line comes into play at the end, so once we get there, I can explain it, but I don't want to give anything away just yet, even though I'm pretty sure everyone on this planet has seen this movie except us. Yeah, I kind of felt dumb for not ob seeing this, but at the same time I was super glad I hadn't. Oh, yeah, it was a waste of time. Okay, so after the deer we see Bella in the desert and I was like what, like, what does happen? Because it's like there's no forests in Arizona, like raining forces. Um. But then it says originally she's from Washington. She's going to be moving back there after her mom has gotten remarried and they're going to travel the country. So, um, her mom is basically abandoning her and she's like, Oh, I'm gonna miss you so much. I'd like I don't get it, like why don't you go with your mom? Like, I don't know, I don't get it. They get to Florida super fast. It's not like they're gone for months just traveling, but whatever. But I also said, how would anyone believe she's from Arizona if she's so Pale? And they see that later. So once her mom's like, yeah, I'm abandon you, I'm traveling around the world with my name, she flies to Washington and her dad picks up from the airport and they drive to his house. We also find out that her dad is a police officer. Oh my Gosh, I'm De fun the police. I've recently noticed how prevalent police are in any TV show, movies, like everything. The police are everywhere. HMM, and I just like this, like I'm like looking at all of us in a different light. so much crazy, like most of the TV shows. We have so many cop shows. I also feel like in every TV show there's like sheriff. Yeah, just like one of the main characters a sheriff, I'm sure. Also, her dad is kind of hot. I like he was really not like that, but I like Charlie, he's seems good. I wish he wasn't a police officer. I feel bad for him, like as a dad. Yeah, I guess imagine having Bella as a daughter. Yeah, which she says to him later. Oh that's but also so like when she gets into the house, like starts to like put her stuff in a room, he immediately leaves. She's like, you know, the one thing that's nice about Charlie's that he doesn't hover, but your daughter just is going to live with you for several months now and you don't even talk to her, you don't help her unpack, you just leave. That's Charlie for you. I guess I felt like awful, bad parenting. Yeah, on both everyone's part. But anyway. So then Jacob and his dad pull up to Charlie's house and he shows Charlie, shows Bella this truck that he's gotten her as a like a welcome home, like you're here present kind of. And Jacobs the one who fixed the car up and everything. But this is when you see Jacob's long hair and it it's so bad. But this is there's this meme where it's like when most girls tuck their hair behind their ears, and it's a picture of Kendell Jenny, and then it's like when I took my view my ears pure him, Oh my God, and it Oh, I felt so bad, but also, yeah, that's me when I took my faery point year. But I love Jacob. He's a good boy. Oh my God. Oh, and Bella Hits Jacob with the door. I honestly don't think that was part of the movie. I think she genuinely hit him with the door while they were filming. I think there's a bunch of places in this movie where she like does something clumsy and it wasn't supposed to happen. Yeah, I bet it was definitely something, because it wasn't like, I don't know, it felt like a very real oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit you with that door. I thought so funny. But then once Jacob gets in the car, bellows says him. She's like, Oh, do you want to ride to school? I was like, you got you flew in to Washington twenty minutes ago and you're going to school already. How does she even know where school is? I think, what's happening here? It didn't make any sense. But but then she does go right to school and she gets the very first parking spot in the parking lot right in front of the...

...school. MMM, that's never gonna happen. Never remember when we were in high school and we had to walk like fifteen minutes to get to school. Well, I got that special parking spot. Well, in her year, I'm got me the special parking spot closer. I hate you. It's really nice in the snow enough to walk this far. That's just rude. But then I hit a bear and I didn't have my car. But anyway, just Pennsylvania things. But then this boy walks up to her as she walked into school and he's like I am in charge the school, like I'll guide you around, like I know everything, and he calls her Isabelle and I was like saying, that's me, like her names is what I call you, Bella, from now on. Please don't but like, he says her name wrong. He definitely said Isabelle, but her name's Isabella. HMM. He was also giving me like Damien for mean girls. Realness right there. Yeah, there's always that one stereotypical character, one, just one. Okay, okay, maybe all of them, but that's not how high schools like. No, not at all. Everyone's like you're the talk of the town, like you're a big dude here, and like everyone knows her name and everything about her already. Like we grew up in a town that had fewer people than that. I'm pretty sure, and if you just showed up one day, no one would care. Yeah, I don't know. It was just so weird. I hate the way high school's portrayed like. Also, I love it, but at the same time it's like this never happen. Yeah, what I really liked about trail of high school in this movie, the was that no one was so like outrageously mean ever. was just normal. And now, yeah, that's true. Edward was a little weird, but yeah, I don't count him because he's not the age of a high schooler. Yeah, he's like ninety, if you want so. Then she is in Jim Class. They're playing volleyball and she's wearing sweatpants and Jim everyone else is wearing shorts, like we could never get away with that. We had a gym uniform and you had to follow it. But then, as they're playing volleyball, she hits a guy in the head with a volleyball. She smacks it over and hits in the head and as soon as he turns around he's like in love with her. That's how that happens, love at first sight. I don't know his name, like he's in the entire Michey and every movie we review. You're like, I don't know his name. No, I couldn't tell you. I know Bella and I know Edward and I could give you some of the vampires name. Oh my God, I couldn't tell you the rest. Okay, I'll help you out along the way. Okay, his name is Mikey or Mike this is the blond human named Mikey, one of the several blond humans in this movie. Yeah, and he's like, Oh, don't worry about it, like it's really fine. And then her and Mikey are talking with Anna Kendrick. Jessica just go and she knows everything about Bella already. Like okay, sure, so I guess at the gym, so ether in gym class. She says to Bella, she's like, aren't people from Arizona supposed to be really tan? I feels like yeah, she was like maybe that's why they kicked me out. Like what? I thought that Um Jessica was going to be like the mean girl of the film. Then I realized that there was no mean girl of the film, so that's good. At least he was kind of the mean girl really, but then she turned out to be a GE not really. What? No, not at all. She helped her in the end because Edward Forster to know she didn't want her to die. Ever, listen, will discuss this later. And then they're at lunch and the only other black character in the film runs up to Bella while she's sitting at lunch and kisses around the cheek and is like, Haha, Mike, like I took your girl or whatever. I was like, this is what's not okay. Like what? Like, why did they need to add that? I don't know. I don't know if it was like in the book or if. I don't know. And why did it have to be the only black character that did that? Yeah, love to know. But also at their lunch table is Rosa from the walking dead or susy crab grass from Nessti class Fud you need to I don't even know her name in this. What is her name? Oh, I just wrote susy crab grass. I think I read her name further on, but I'm not sure. Okay, well, maybe we'll figure...

...it out later. But she's like, well, I need to get some notes from you for the feature on you and our school newspaper, because of course you feature the one new girl, like, no one does that. But then bells like, oh, why don't you write about eating disorders or padding in swimsuits instead? I was like what, why would she say that? What? Where do you? Where do you come up with this ID love to take a trip inside Bella's mind. Is that sad word? He can't read her. All Right, we've gone too far. But then the collins walk past the window and as they're walking in, Bella asks jess like so, what's up with with those people? And she was like, Oh, well, they're all the the doctor's children, but they're all foster kids and they all date each other. So it's like not weird, but kind of weird. And all I could think about was how you try to justify the clueless relationship with share and her step brother Paul. Oh, you're like, it's not bad, they were only step siblings for a year. Yeah, I still stand by it. Weird. I also try to justify Callie's relationship with bread and in the fosters, but everything that's weird. It is weird, but they're not related by any means, but it's weird. Okay, but they're like a hundred years old. What's what count Hollands. Yeah, none others are. Okay, listen, I didn't come on this podcast today to be crucified for my marriage and relationship beliefs. Well, it was gonna happen as soon as they said that line. I had said what I said and I don't get it. To change the topic, Edward Walks in and it's in Slow Moo, of course, and Jessica says to Bella, Oh, that's Edward. He's mysterious and hot and I want him, but apparently no one at the school is good enough for him. Yeah, they also, if you look at them, they just look like they put on too much setting powder. That's like three shades too light skin tone. Flashback Mary, like I said, a terrible job with the makeup and like on Amazon, like the x Ray thing, it was like, yeah, they're completely inconsistent with all of their makeup, like sometimes they miss half of their neck and sometimes they miss their ears. I was like, how can you like this movie made millions of dollars, like how did you screw up that badly? Well, if you'd like to know why, everything seems like an afterthought in this movie, such as a special effects and things like that, and makeup shut because, yes, yes, it's because the producers thought that this movie was geared towards teenage girls and that it would make nothing, so they cut the budget fifteen million dollars and the film ended up grossing over three hundred million. Who like that? Like people underestimate the power of teenage girls. Yeah, as a one direction stand myself, I know the power that teenage girls hold. My entire tick tock right now is just like my four you page is just like hairy styles. Sam. Today is actually the two year anniversary of when we touched Terry Styles, who touched the side of our hands. I also swapt him in the back. Yep, but I did that. And it's also coming up on the anniversary of when we stopped Louis Tomlinson at firefly. Was a the music that or the yeah, that was a good weekend. That was a good weekend, and he looked at us with such a disappointing look. I know. I felt bad but at the same time like it was the greatest moment of my life. Oh yeah, it was also dreaming scissors set, so great music playing. Got To see Louis Tomlinson right background music for Stalking Yep, my dreams, Kim Truesday. So back to the movie. There's still lunch and there's just all this like really intense staring the entire movie, but like this is where it started. It makes me so uncomfortable I wrote in my notes like at least ten times. This makes me so uncomfy. Oh yeah, and then they go to...

...science class and it's this is my favorite scene. As soon as she walks in, she stands in front of the fan and there's like this the air blows and like Edward looks like he's gonna either like throw up or pass out or both, and he's like covers his mouth and he's like trying not to gag. She like looks at him as like Oh my God, like is it me? Do I smell? Imagine walking into science class like the first day of school and they say this is your like partner for the year and he looks at you with the Look of absolute disgust and he doesn't even he like shoves like I don't know what it is. It's like a little plastic attain just like inches it over to her with his face hands shaking. I would ask it like he asked to transfer it after this, but I would ask the transfer it. Like that's that part killed me, just like the zoom in on his face. Every time his like mouth is like like twitching and like he looks like his lip ry, whose lip this quivering? So the bell rings and he barrels out faster than the speed of light. Yeah, and then he goes ask to transfer out of the class and she walked in as he's asking, and then he says, I'll just have to endure it, looks at her and runs away, like why would you want to get to know that person better? So then for their first dinner after the first day school, she goes with their dad to this diner where everybody knows who she is. She doesn't remember any of them. Like that's my life, my mom, and that's how I feel. But this creepy old man walks up and he's like hey, Bella, do you remember me? I was Santa and you sat on my lap when you were a child. It was so creepy. That was horrifying. And then she says something like but crack Santa. Yeah, but I like that Christmas. I was like that's disgusting, disgusting. So then the next day at school. The columns are driving in and I wrote the tall one is just standing up in the car because I don't remember. They're like just driving in with the roof off of their jeep and he's just like standing. I was really hoping someone would slam on the brakes. I thought he's gonna Fall. And also the the guy that kiss fell on the cheap day before. He's like friends with all the people. She's becoming friends with two, which I didn't think they would be friends. He's also throwing liquorice at her. Like is this movie sponsored by Twizzler? I would love to know, because they're always eating liquorice. Are they really? Yes, it comes up so many times. Isn't like wasn't twilight like a fan pick of something else? Well, if you'd love to know, no, I know what goes the other way, but I didn't. I think twilight was based off of something. I think Stephanie Myers wrote this when she was seventeen, so that's why it's like a fan fic. Okay, I thought it was based on something. I don't think so. At least maybe it is. But yeah, so he's throwing liquorice at her and she just points to her book, like, look at me, I'm so quirky. I hate her. Yeah, I don't like Bella, but at the same time Edward. No, they deserve each each other. That's what I'll say. So it's the day after Edward said he was gonna have to endure having Bella as a science partner, and of course he didn't show up to school, hurting her feelings even more. As you could see, it's kind of sunny out, maybe alluding to something like. Honestly, it's so obvious. They're vampires. I don't know how anyone else didn't get it. Maybe because vampires aren't real. Yeah, but like every everyone, in so many cultures, there's like some version of a vampire and like in every like fake world, there should be like books about vampires, you know, like how do they not know, like I would? I would guess that right away. So if someone said that, looked at you with absolute disgust and thought that you smelled bad and then didn't show up to school the next day, you just automatically assume that their vampire. I mean, like what else could they be? So yeah, Bella is upset, like where's Edward? Where is this love of her life. Turns out he might be at this plant chasing a guy around and attacking him, but we don't know. HMM. Also, like while they were running through this this plant with this guy being attacked, the people chasing him were like posing as they jumped. Did you notice that? Yeah, Super Cheesy, like we once again special effects budget not there. Yeah, that was definitely a post production. They...

...just kind of like Oh, we forgot about this. HMM. So the next day before this is Bella. She's getting ready to go to school and she was wearing these giant mittens and she didn't have a coat on. First of all, who wears Mitt into out a coat? I would wear a coat before. It was like never wearing a coat. Yeah, and it's supposed to be like awful weather up there and she always says that she hates the cold and she's always shivering. Like maybe put on some more clothes. Yeah, honestly. And the DAD is like, Oh, Charlie, not dad, Charlie, Charla. Charlie's like yeah, I have to drive to this planet where this guy was killed. But also this is where I like realize how prevalent police were in everything, and I was like, Hmm, don't feel great about that. Okay. So Bella slips in the ice, which is also Kirky. I'm so unsy. I'm not like most girls. And then her dad also says that he replaced the tires because it's getting icy. That's so obvious. Like I did pick up on that, but I know want it down. But like, once again, I feel like the makers of this movie thought that we were stupid, like you didn't need to add both the foreshadows. You could have just added like her slipping on the ice or the tires. You didn't need to add to yeah. So after that they're back in biology class and Edward is back and like when she walks over to the table, he's like Hia, what, and then he just stares at her. Also, they're examining onions, like how romantic, and they all just like know what they are, but they're also just like shoving it back and forth at each other, like it's a very like weird kind of flirting, like I don't know, and then he asks her about the weather and then she's like why would you ask me about the weather? That's so weird. But also like they're so uncomfortable with each other, like what else are you going to say? Yeah, and then he asks if she enjoys the rain and then she starts shaking, like quivering, and she says she doesn't like the cold. So in the while watching this, this section that the General Trivia and the x Ray version of Amazon, it said that in this movie Bella smiles over thirty five times. I was like what, like, how do you only smile thirty five times in this two hour movie? Okay, so after class he keeps that he like walks through to a locker and keeps asking her about her life, and it's super weird, like just like the way he's asking her and then all of a sudden, like she's answering and then like asks him a question and he just like immediately turn and fast walks away. But I was confused about the scene is that he's wearing a short sleeve t shirt and it's freezing cold out. Everyone else is wearing coats. Like why? He also explains that. She asks why his eyes turned from black to like yell whatever color, yellowish, and he says it's the fluorescent lights. And I personally feel like I was called out because I always people are always like your eyes are gray and I say no, they're green. They just change depending off the lightning. Mind changed if anyone I'm wearing. Oh my God, we're so quirky, asked my mom. She says it too. I hate us. But then, like she's going out into her car to go home, the one guy is like driving into the parking lot and like he loses control and like is careening towards Bella. But right before this, spell and Edward had been making weird staring eye contact at each other and she saw that he was halfway across the parking lot. But then, as this car comes towards her, all of a sudden Edward is right there next to her and he stops the car by putting his hand out, and there's dent in the car, but not in her. But then, like the one they didn't get is, like why did she have to go to the hospital, like the couldn't they just check your vitals? They're like she was like like obviously, like yeah, call one and like have someone come out, but like check him and like take him to the hospital. Just check her vitals, like I don't know. Well, from what they can see, the car hit her, like they didn't really see I guess. No, I saw Edward Like Lea. Edward moved so fast that they just saw the car like flying towards her and a dent in it.

Yeah, so they thought that it hit her and, like after a car accident, you might not feel pain exactly because your adrenaline is rushing so much. So she might not have felt pain. That's probably what they're concerned about. I was going to say I've never been in a car accident, but that's a lie. I hit a bear. Yeah, so at that Hospital, Dr Colin comes in, like the columns, is adopted Dad, Foster Dad, and you can tell they didn't do a great job with a makeup here, because his hands are completely different. God, his face Um. But also, like, why would a vampire work at a hospital? Like there's so much blood, like I get that there like reformed or whatever, but being around that much blood, like wouldn't that be incredibly difficult? Well, I think that he's been doing it for so long that he doesn't, he doesn't feel those urges, and also he does it so he can save people if they're about to die, like young people. But also in this scene, Charlie was being so mean to that kid I know you can't just revoke someone's driver's license for something that wasn't even their fault. It's not up to Bella's Dad, who's also a cop, to just say you're not getting your license back. Blah, blah, blah. He also like couldn't be involved in that case because that's why you see personal but whatever. Yeah, they also shouldn't have had school if it were that icee out. So at the hospital once Bellas like being discharged or whatever. She also overhears Edward, and I don't know his name, like the Dad, just like, oh, Carlyle, who is at the dad named Carlyle. Oh yeah, okay, so Edward, Carlyle, Carlyle and Rosalie. You're talking about how he shouldn't have saved her. But also, look, at this point, Edward walks up to Bella and it's like super mean to her, and I was like why does everyone hate Bella and her awkwardness, but they don't Hate Edward? Because Edward Sucks and he's so mean and just like stars all the time, like like how do you find that attractive? I don't know. Oh, also, every time he talks to Bella, they both look like they're constant pie. They're bas like, why is it so painful to talk to each other? He just like saved your life, Bella. Why are you fighting him? Yeah, there's just like a lot. I kind of get it. After the hospital, though, she's like at home in bed and like you see him and she's like and that was the first night I dreamt of Edward. I was like, this is weird. He's in your room, like you're not dreaming, he's there. You're not dreaming, Sweetie sweaty. But like also, where, where do all these like vampire myths a line? Like vampires have to be invited in sometimes? Also, aren't they not visible on camera, Becau or in a mirror later? And I was like, or the whole ballet room scene? Yeah, I don't know. Like where, where do you decide like what works and what like? Do you just like get to pick and shoose? Maybe it's explicitly written in the books. It's weird. I don't know. Maybe we should have read the books to know I'm not doing it. But she wakes up the next morning like she's at school and they're going on a field trip. But before they go on the field trip, Mikey asks Bella to Prom, and Bella is just staring at Edward the whole time, so she hears none of what he says. Like you think he'd like catch that. Her eyes were like nowhere near him and just like follow it and see Edward. But she's like no, I have to go to Jacksonville because apparently that's where her mom moved. And she's like Oh, maybe should ask jess. She wants to go and like also, her main reason, though, besides the Jacksonville thing, is, she says, Prom dancing not such a good idea for me. I'm so quirky. Like same, I can't dance, but it's your prom. Yeah, she makes it seem like liking high school things is such a horrible thing to do. Yeah, you're allowed to like prom, that's okay. But then they go on their field trip, is to greenhouse, and the whole time Edward is talking to Bella, but also it's like he's trying...

...to say inconspicuous and like I'm not a vampire, but he also brings up all these impossible things that he did that there's no way he could have done as a normal person, like obviously she's going to figure it out. So to prompt the conversation. He just straight up like starts talking to her and she says, you don't even say hi to me, and he goes high. Yeah, and honestly, like I don't get why there was ever a debate between team Edward or team Jacob, like I'm team Jacob all the way, because Edward Sucks. Well, we don't know yet. We have to watch all the movies before we can come to I've come fine conclusion. Also, she trips and falls just walking normally, which I can relate to, but like so annoying, and he picks her up and catches her from falling. He does that a lot. It's so annoying. Like, yeah, I guess she's clumsy, but she doesn't have to be falling over every scene. I feel like they always go too far with their points here. She's clumsy, we get it. She doesn't need to make it known in every single line that she says and every single scene that she's clumsy. It's but to get at the end, like their whole justification for her breaking her leg is she's super clumsy. She felt on two flights of stairs and rolled out a window, like but yeah, then they're back at this school and honestly, this movie just feels me with so much second hand embarrassment. I can't like just all they're staring back and forth at each other, but then they like she's at a salad bar and the cafeteria or whatever, and she's like decorating herself. Was the point of that? Like get's pretty, but okay, how come Bella never has a good vegetarian option anywhere? Yeah, it's pretty unfortunate, especially for Washington. But she also like every time she talks to Edward and she's she's like I know something's wrong, like I know this is a mask, like I know, Blah, blah, blah, like why does she pretend that she can read him when she can't? Also, why does she care? Right, like he's never nice to her. Yeah, I feel like everyone wears a mask sometimes, especially in high school. Why does she need to, yeah, stop. Why does she need to harass him about who he really is? Yeah, leave him alone, but also then she just like asks him to go to the beach with them. I don't know, like what, like why? But they also speak in cliches. Yeah, everything that they say is a cliche. But then they go to the beach which they call the push, and like all of them know how to surf. Is there any surfing in Washington? I don't think so. What? But then all I think it's so funny, like all the boys freak out when they find out the fella invited Edward. They all I like what, like know, like why, but you can't all be in love with her. I'm sorry, I was wondering myself why she invited Edward to so yeah, not for the same reasons. But so then there are also here. They are eating twizzlers again. Where they really? Yes, I did not notice that, probably because in the next scene there at this boat house and this guy's in a boat. Obviously here's like noise in the boat house, and then these three vampires jump into his boat and eat him. I feel like they they're like we're it's not like they're just sucking his blood. They like really attack, like every every single vampire thing. They always pretend it's an animal attack. So it's got to be like really bad for anyone to believe it's an animal attack, right. HMM. Yeah, because you have to cover up all like the bite marks. Yeah, but also, like if there's that many animal attacks, in a town, I'm gonna say it's vampire because I've seen enough vampire movies and TV shows to be like you could pre I was gonna say it's a bear. So okay, like there's not that many bears. Maybe in watch, yes, there are, but in last year a bear was running rampant in my town. But in like Virginia, where the Vampire Diaries is, there's not that many bears. You never know. Have you ever? Oh, have you ever ever? Sup, yes, I have. All right, if I just triggered you. Also, at the same time, Jacob and his pals or...

...at the beach and Jacob Begins Telling Bella the story of the cullons and his tribe and how they've been fighting for years because they're wolves and vampires, and Bella is just a story. Yeah, it's just a story, even though your boyfriend may or may not be a vampire. Wink, wink. Yeah, he's not very like conspicuous buddy's like. Oh, and also, Jessica, Bella wonders why Edward is not there, and Jessica explains that whenever the weather gets warm, the cullons disappear to hike. Yeah, that's when they're back at school and they're talking about because it's like getting go through prom, but they also talked about how they should go prom just shopping. So that's what they do next, and which is in a town that has this book store that has lots of books on these this legend that Jacob had told Bella. So that's why she's like really excited to go there. Um, so they're in the prom dress shop and, like jess and grows are from the walking dead, are trying on dresses, and ugly dresses. Yeah, they're they're really not great. But these boys like knock on the window. They're like, Oh, you look so good. It's just like it's disgusting. But while the girls are trying on prom dresses, Bella says, Oh, I'm gonna go to the book store because I'm so quirky. She also she's like Oh, yeah, I'll be back in a minute. Five hours later, she never returns. Yeah, it's completely dark when she leaves the bookstore. Like no one called a check up on you, like apparently they did, but her phone was dead. I'm not buying the story either. But as she leaves a bookstore, she like walks down this dark alley and there's people at the end of it, and then she goes back the other way to avoid them, and then these boys are in front of her, so they surround her pretty much, and then all of a sudden this wild Volvo comes into the black road, and it was a Volvo too. It comes whipping in, does a hockey stop. It's like insane how he's drive. It's like baby driver, like the way he's driving in a Volvo. And then he gets out of the car and he like growls at them. He's like girl and he's like Spea, though, like like what what? I would run away too, honestly, it's weird. Like that's so weird. Imagine someone in a Volvo doing that and then growling at you, just hops out of their car growsy. I'd run. Yeah, I'd run too, but the way like it's supposed to be. It supposed to be like menacing and like Oh my God, he's so scary, not like what is this man doing? Like this is weird, rare ext Um. And then they it goes to drive off and then he also does be insane, like whips the car around like like they're gone, they're not coming after you. Don't worry, like calm down, like, do you think this whole movie was also sponsored by Volvo? Honestly, probably, there goes. That was their whole special effects and and stunt budget. Honestly, hiring that driver to drive the Volvo. No, it was. It was Edward. It was definitely. I'm sorry. He trained for that, but also I was so concerned about that that I almost forgot the fact that he was stalking her. Yeah, he was just talking, like why are you not concerned about that? Like, and then they go to a restaurant and they finally see her. Two friends are like we've been calling you, like we've been blah, blah, blah, like did you? Why don't you call the police? She's been gone for who knows how long, but she's like, Oh, yeah, I guess I should eat something. Yes, I will, I will eat with you. It was very weird. I she was yeah, let's go eat, but he doesn't order anything. He just sits there and watches or eat. Like I'd be so uncomfortable I wouldn't eat anything. Imagine going on a date with someone in ordering this super filling pasta dish and the guy is just like, I'm not hungry, I'm on a diet like what? I feel so selfconscious. I would not eat a bite. Like it's already kind of weird to like go on and day with someone in like eat like, I don't know, it's just like weird to me. I hate eating...

...dates because you can never I don't know, I just overthink when I'm ordering. Yeah, like, I've been on dates. You've had so many consistent boyfriends. How? So many? So many too? Okay, that's two more than me. I'm so lonely. Oh Oh, wait. He she demands that he gives her answers and then he starts listing off the square root of pie right, which random in itself, and then she says, why are you listing off Pie? I want real answers, and he seems to be shocked that she knows that. Like I feel like any high schooler kind of vaguely knows the square root of Pie. Yeah, I kind of vaguely know it. But then he says like he's a mind reader. He's like I can read everybody's mind, but your. And then imagine if someone says that to you and you're like, okay, what's this person thinking? He goes money, sex, money, sex, can cat I would not believe them. Like what? Like generally, yes, I could assume that people are thinking about money. I could do that to you and you would not believe that. I can read your people's minds, especially everyone but hers. How suspicious could that possibly be? Yeah, like we do have like our own little connection, like I will say there's something there, but I can't read everybody else's mine. Um, yeah, so then he's like, Oh, I'll just drive you home then and they go to touch the radio or like turn the volume and she's like, your hands are so cold, like I'd be a vampire if you want off. Your hands are cold. My hands are freezing all the time. Oh, my hands are always either cold and clammy or like sweaty. There is no end, but my hands are sweaty right now. Mine too. It's like connection of Sweaty, palm sweaty. But also he says, I do not have the strength to stay away from you anymore, and she says then don't then tell me you like stay away from him, stay away from this creepy Stalker, ninety year old man, but go away. So they're driving home. Then they stopped at the police station and her dad like says it's an animal attack. And then we're at I guess it's at school or something, but she's standing near or he's standing, and then she just brushes past him and starts walking into the woods. Yeah, then he just follows her into the woods, which is super weird. And like it's like she planned this confrontation. Is spect like it had to be in the woods, like you could have done this anywhere and you chose the middle of the woods. Yeah, but son is romantic. Anywhere else how ro mantic at all. None of this is romantic, but I'm just trying to just so quy it. Yeah, but like he forces her to say what she thinks he is. Like clearly she knows, like I don't need you to tell me, because I know and you know, so we both know. She also goes, how long have you been? Seventeen, and he says, Oh, why? While I would just think that he's aloof honestly, I don't think I would have put two and two together that he's a vampire. Yeah, you wouldn't know. I just don't think I believe in vampire. But also, like I was thinking, like imagine if he really weren't a vampire and he just had really bad circulation and was cold all the time. And he's like what are you talking about? He's not a vampire, he's just an EMU. And then he like grabs her and puts her on his back and just starts running the special effects. You can tell fifteen million dollars cut. Yeah, and he's like you need to see me in the sun, I'm shiny. Like he just like rips open his shirt. Dude through of course they have to pan up his ABS. She's like it's like diamonds. He thinks his sparkles are ugly. Really like. He's like they're the mark of a killer, like I'm a killer.

Like, first of all, who says killer? You would definitely say murderer. And second like, it's not that weird. Yeah, like I wouldn't. I'd be like, okay, you're little oily. It's a case need a little setting powder. Also, he explains that he was built to be a Predator, like that's why he's so hot and that's why he smells nice and has nice hair, to draw girls in so he can attack them. Make Sense. Looks he wasn't born a vampire. Exactly me, I don't get it. And also like I've never heard of another vampire legend. That's like, Yep, we're shining in the sun. He also starts randomly running around and ripping roots out of the ground for no reason, and then he just jumps into a tree and is staring down at her, while she's like craning her neck looking up at him, like what are you doing? Yeah, and then he's also explaining that he's killed people before and that he wants her blood so badly, and then she says, I trust you, I don't care, I'm not afraid of you, just afraid of you leaving, like when you've known him for two months. When did she fall in love with him? First of all, like yeah, he was just telling you that he would kill you, and you're like, I'm in love with you, and they haven't even kissed. What if he's a bad kisser? What if he has bad breath? So she says, is that there are three things that she knows about Edward. One, he's a vampire. That down back. I have it too. He wants to eat her, and three, she's in love with him. I wrote no, no, no, no, no, no, like what? I am baffled. These are the only three things you're positive of. HMM, okay. And now they're like official, even though they haven't kissed. But them they like go back to school and they're like official and she edward drives her to school and everyone in his Volvo and they're all just like staring at them, including his siblings, and it's just so funny, like the disdain on everyone's face. And they like talking to each other, like it's just like different scenes in them talking about Edwards life and he's like, yeah, I was dying at the Spanish blue. I was like, Huh, interesting. So how like poignant? Now also, he explains that Carlisle saved him from dying right before he was about about to die and there's nothing they could do about it. He turned him so he'd be immortal. Um Oh. And then he says I'm like a human vegetarian. You Eat Tofu but nothing really satisfies you. Yeah, yeah, I'm satisfied with some Nice Tofu. I don't know about you, Edward, but I love Tofu. So then they're Bellas House and honestly, like do you like see him laugh for the first time at in this scene, and I was like wow, he seems normal, like if you weren't so grumpy and weird all the time, like you could be a more convincing human. I mean he does act just like a ninety year old man, but in a teenager's hot body. It's so weird you oh God um. But then he leaves the house and there's he's like driving away and is just like intense, like staring between Jacob's Dad and Edward Does he drives past. So you're like thinking about that story that Jacob told earlier. So Edward then brings Bella to his house, like this is our first like meeting the family, and I was like why are you cooking? She's the only one who would eat, like that's going to be weird. And then she like walks in and they're like well, also, it's not even that they're cooking something. They're cooking Italian food, which aren't vampires supposed to be allergic to garlic. Yeah, so why would they make Italian food? I could not tell you. And then bell was like oh great, like that sounds so good. And then Edwards like she already ate and Rosalie just like shatters a bowl. She's so mad that she already ate. Like yeah, like it's kind of good. Shirtyate, like it'd be so weird if she's the only one eating, I guess, but they were just trying to be nice. No, I like I get what they were doing, but also like, why is Rosalie so mad? Aw, so, what would happen if they ate? Yeah, and we've seenen them eat, like Edward Eats that lunch sometimes. Yeah, so, like I'm sure they would sit down and...

...have a meal if they physically could eat. Why wouldn't they? But for some reason I hated the scene and I said, I want to scream, Lauren, why did you make me watch this? And then you see this wall of like all their graduation caps, which I thought was super funny, like, I love it's funny. And they go to Edwards Room and she's like why is there no bed? And he's like, well, I don't sleep. I was like, I could never be a vampire, like I like to sleep too much. Maybe they just find other things do with their time, like watch people sleep. That's so weird. Also, the door in his room is just open to me nothing, yeah, just a hill. They just jump out the window. Oh, and he calls her spider monkey. I was like, anyone ever calls me that. I'M gonna scream. If someone ever said, Oh, my little spider monkey, I would break up with them right then. And they're that's not a good nickname, I'm sorry. But also Rosalie calls whoever her guy is her monkey later. I hate that. I hate that. Like I guess so that like it, but I hate it. Um, didn't one of your past boyfriends, we call you honkey. Please don't. I hate hypocrite. I Hate I'm not saying I didn't call anybody that. I didn't like to be called that. I hate it. So after he calls her spider monkey, they're just casually hanging out in a tree hundreds of feet in the air and then the twilight theme starts playing. It's called like bellows in it. Why? Yeah, and now I realize why. When I was in middle school, every girl that we knew knew how to play this song on the piano. And then after the Lullaby, please, they go to school and Mikey like walks up to Bella and he's like sorry, are you and Eddard together? And she was like yeah, and he was like I don't like it. Like what? Like, I'm sorry, you don't get an opinion? Okay, well, I think he does, because his opinion is very much accurate. He says that Edward looks at Bella like she's a meal. That is true, but also like they're not like really good friends, like yeah, he just he just had a crush on her and that's why he doesn't like it. So after school they're at that diner again, but after dinner she's talking with her mom and like saying like, you know what, I like, really like Washington. It's growing on me, and her mom was like Oh, this because boy, and she was like yeah, there's this boy I've been seeing. And then Edward just like jumps into her room and he admits that he's been watching her sleep for several months and instead of being put off by that, it turns her on. Yeah, and he was like wait, I want to try something. What? And then he like please, don't try anything. It was like like centimeters at a time over like twenty seconds, like slowly moving closer to her, like this is weird. But then they fully kiss and then they start making out and then he freaks out, Ye and tells her to stop. That's the only time they kiss in this movie. I'm pretty sure, right, no, at the end. Oh, okay, there's two kisses in the movie. Sorry, I can't be a Disney film now. And after this, he like jumps out of her window or whatever, and she goes downstairs and tells her dad that she's going to go on a date with Edward Colin and he wants to meet him, or Edward Wants to meet the Dad Officially, and dad like takes his gun and like flips it up and like, I don't know, like just like puts it together and it's like all right, let's meet him, which I thought was funny, especially because he's a police officer. Yeah, so then he's like yeah, we're going to go play baseball, and then this is the scene that like you can see on instagram all the time. They say that the only reason they can play baseball when there's a thunderstorms because when they hit it, the crack is so loud. But the first pitch is like Alice to Rosalie, and I don't like, wouldn't she definitely be faster than him running to get the ball? Like the ball so much farther than the length of the baseball field. Like there's no way that she could have...

...possibly been out, like logistically, as vampires, like she would have had the upper hand there. Then the other vampire show up. It's the subtitles for this part say ominous rock music play, all right, and they also look like they're floating, like I think they were on like some sort of like those moving things in airport. That's what it looked like. Yeah, so then they're like Oh, like, we want to play baseball too, and they're like okay, and then the wind blows Bella's hair and the one guy, he he like catches a whiff of her scent or whatever, and he like freaks out and they all go hiss, they go and them they fere like belly, you need to leave, like like you need to get out of here. And she pretends to break up with Edward as like she walks into the house and she like runs up to a room is like I have to pack, like I have to leave dad, like Blah, blah, Blah Blah, and then she says these awful, awful things to her father and is like and as she walks out, she's like that's exactly what my mom said to my dad when she left him. It's like what kind of terrible person do you have to be to do that? Wouldn't have just been easier to tell him the truth, like honestly, like she could have said anything else, like been like I just like I need to take I need to like go, like I need to go to my friend's house, like I need to do something, like I just like feel really upset, like what she said is so awful. Yeah, like hurt his feelings. But then her mom isn't answering her phone as pre usual, because she sucks. Yeah, and then Edward and all his buddies are putting their scent around and Rosalie is helping. But why? She's how he know because Edward was like put these on. She's like why? Like what's in it for me? Yeah, but what isn't it for her? I don't know, like she has actually like barely. I think that she's she didn't have to help, because Bella sucks. She didn't have to help. She wouldn't have unless she was forced into it, like she was, but she was a forced she has her own free will. What would have happened if she didn't? I don't know. Anyway. So then they're all like driving in different directions and Rosalie has bell's clothes on to try and confuse him, but like confused James. But I don't know, I feel like he should be smarter than that. Like if one person sent is that strong, like wouldn't it be a lot stronger on the actual person? Also, why couldn't they just hop on a flight and fly somewhere? Yeah, I don't know. Would that have just been the easiest? Yeah. But also, like at this point they like they go to this hotel or whatever, like she's with Alice and Jasper and Alice is like all of a sudden she's like he's changed his mind. She's like, Oh, the futures changed, but at but I was like I thought she could only see the future, not that he's currently changed his mind or changed his direction. That was just like weird to me that before Edward called her, she knew that he had changed things. Maybe she was seeing things right after they are, right before they happened. Maybe. I don't know. So the evil guy calls Bella and like it's her mom's voice saying like bellow, where are you, like where are you? And then is like meet me at the this ballet studio that Alice had like seen in a vision right before and he was like come alone. So she makes it to this ballet studio and she hears her mom's voice again, but I was like it's the exact same video, like it's the exact same audio that was playing on the phone. So, like, why wouldn't she know that? She's stupid. Yeah, and then like he's behind her, like he's like videotaping it. Like I was like why did you? Like I don't get that. But I also don't understand why she wouldn't tell the rest of the group so they could make a plan. Yeah, like and if worst comes where she could just go on her own. Like why wouldn't she try? Oh, he said to come alone, but I don't get why she didn't tell them, like she could have just told them, walked alone and had them all there. Yeah, because obviously all of those vampire tires can overpower him. Yeah, which they did. So why didn't? Why wasn't that the plan from the beginning? Why did they need to go all this way? I could not tell you. But then she like pepper sprays him,...

...which is like pepper spray before did nothing, absolutely nothing. She tried to run away and then like he's still videotaping. Then he breaks her leg and then it was like crunch, and then he bit her. But then everyone else like shows up, because I guess they were probably following her, and I was like wow, like how does she not become a vampire from this? And then, Oh, and Edwards the first one to show up. Yeah, Edwards the first and he he drop kicks James, but then he also like rips a chunk of his throat out or something. Yeah, that was nasty. Like what are you doing? And then Alice comes in and there like and then she rips his head off. Oh, and they they didn't want Edward to be the one that killed him because they wanted him to remember who he was. But hasn't he killed people before? Yeah, but then they're like doing literally nothing to help Bella while. She's like on the floor in absolute pain, like what are you doing? But then Carlyles like yeah, you can just suck the venomount. But why did they make Edward do that? Why wouldn't they make Carlisle doing like it's just sit, sitting there, and Edward doesn't have control. Why would you pick? What would you pick him? I don't know. All I have. So Edwards starts sucking and then all I have my notes is Edward Stop Sucking because he was going too far. Yeah, and then there is a dumb montage of their time take their brief time together. Yeah, like, but then they're in the hospital and her mom sitting on the bed and she's saying, Oh, yeah, so you actually just were mad and you left and then Edward was trying to get you and then you fell down two flights of stayers and rolled out a window. Oh, you have this mysterious bite mark on your arm. Who would believe that? Like, no one's that clumsy. I'm sorry, I actually broke my leg and didn't know. So you. We didn't fought on two flights of stairs and out a window and forget for or like. True, but her mom's like, yeah, Edward hasn't left. He's asleepover there, like vampires don't sleep. He's not sleeping, mom. And then Edwards like I don't think I should be around you anymore, like this is dangerous, and then she freaks out. She's like you can't leave, like I needed you, blah, blah, blah. And then they're getting ready for Prom cute. It's like she does look really pretty. She does, even with her boot, but she's also wearing a commerce on the other foot, and I was just thinking how my senior year prom they did that. So shout out to we by. But I also have to say no of fence put girls who wear converse to prom and make it a huge deal are so Coarsey, so annoying. I get I get it. If you want to wear converse to prom, by all means go ahead, but don't make it a huge deal. I know. Oh, it was also such a pretty location to have from. Yeah, it was really nice, like with the Gazie both side, hmm. But also when they're walking into prom, they take a picture. I was like, you can't do that. Vampires don't show up. Exactly what? Oh, but before we even get there, Jacob shows up to Prom and sets his dad paid him to talk to her about how he should stay away from Edward. I guess it's kind of alluding to something. I think the next film you get more into Jacobs life. Oh, okay, and his family, but that's what it's alluding to, right. I don't surprize like she didn't find out about Jacob, like I thought that would happen. Like I thought that was like a big part of it, but I guess the second yeah, obviously, if the story's true for half of the tribes, I guess, or families, the story should be true for the other. Yeah, I'm not. Yeah, the PROM book so perfect. I got really jealous. That's all I want. Then he's she's danced. Oh yeah, they're like dancing out the gazee and she's like, I want to be a vampire. And then they start talking about forever, but they've only been on three days. Like how do you know that you're compatible with someone? You've been on three dates? You've kissed them one time at this point, yeah, and then one night after this. Yeah, so why are you talking about forever? You're only seventeen or sixteen and he's ninety. Oh yeah, also, his forever is way longer than yours. I like, I just got he stopped, MMM,...

...because he was about to and it was like really weird how he's doing it. He like dipped her back like like they were dancing or something, but then I was like right at her neck. Was Weird. It was weird. Oh, and then we find out that Victoria was watching the whole time I was that her name? Yeah, I heard it out at the end. Yeah, so that's the girl the ginger. Yeah, the girl with the red hair. And finally, the movie is finished. Over. Don't want it. Okay, I've done nothing but trash this movie the entire time, but I bet you a hundred dollars that after we finished recording and after I weird coincidence and donating my plasma later, I'm going to watch the second movie after. I know I kind of want to watch it because watch it, I want to know what Jacob does, because he did nothing in this one. I know, I wish we can watch it together. Maybe we can figure it out, but I wouldn't rewatch it. That's that's what I'll say. Like me, I love rewatching movies. It's one of my favorite things to do. I've done it several, several times in quarantine. You know how I leave you with the question at the end of this yeah, the question I'm leaving you right now with is, are you team Edward or team Jacob? Well, I told you, I said I'm team Jacob because Edward Sucks, but also we know nothing about Jacob. So, from from what I know from the fourth one, or I guess it's the fifth one, though, from what I know, like, I still like Jacob more. I mean, at this point we know nothing about Jacob, but he's he's one of the few people in the movie that haven't screwed up, and he didn't stalk her. Yeah, I'm sorry, except he is kind of obsessed with her. He keeps asking his dad when he can see her. But like, also, it's probably because, like, he's like, like am I allowed to see Bella? Because of Edward, like, you know, because of their no thing. I think he has a huge crush on course and is as huge crush on her. Why does every guy in this movie have a crush on Bella? Like, yes, she's really pretty, but also there are so many other pretty girls at the school. Yeah, gotta Move On. Speaking of moving on, we need to move on, and but before we move on, we just runt into remind you all to check out our instagram to join in on our weekly guess that, or I guess it'll be weekly again starting now. Guess the movie of the week on our instagram at how have we never podcasts, and then you can also check us out on facebook at how have we never seen this? Before. That's all for now. Hopefully we have a better movie next but well, lots be back. Yeah, glad to be back, but yeah, well, see you next time. Bye. Bye. Hey, congratulations, you've made it to the end of our podcast. We hope you enjoyed listening. How have we never seen this before? Is produced by is B barone. The music is by Scott Holmes. The podcast art is by Michael Beaumont over at monitor comics, and our social media is run by Lauren Cola. Thanks for listening.

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